Sharknado

Sharknado doesn’t deserve a full review. At a time when I’m only writing reviews for about one film in eight that I watch, I’m not going to spend too much time dissecting the finer points of the plot, acting and direction of this film. The movie is the latest in a long line of terrible B-Movies commissioned by The Syfy Channel and made by The Asylum film studio. The films appear to be title first, plot second affairs which owe a great debt to the B-Movie classics of the 1950s and 60s but lack their antiquated cousins’ charm and ideas. As I can’t be bothered discussing the film in depth I’m just going to write some sentences that come into my head when I think about this ‘film’. In honour of the movie they will make little sense and won’t interest you

It’s rubbish.

The action begins with characters surfing on a beach without waves.

Different beaches are used from shot to shot.

In one early scene, it’s obvious that a pod of dolphins are being filmed instead of sharks.

Sharks are seen swimming in inches of water and underneath cars but are still big enough to swallow people whole.

The lighting is really bad.

A central character allows his young female employee to come to work in a bikini but is shocked and disgusted when she tries to woo him.

With a tornado on its way, the beach front bar doesn’t think about closing until seconds before the tornado strikes.

It’s rubbish.

In one scene we see flooded Los Angeles streets. In the foreground is a car with livery reading ‘Arlington Police’.

Tara Reid is in the film.

Tara Reid is one of the worst things in the film.

Tara Reid is seven years older than the man playing her son.

Tara Reid’s face looks weird.

The special effects look worse than Tara Reid.

The sharks seem desperate to leave the water. This is odd because they’re fish.

While three giant shark infested tornados are causing havoc in Los Angeles, only five people seem to have noticed. The rest of the city caries on as normal.

The film and its characters go from wet to dry to wet again without any explanation as to why.

The tornados pass without any destruction. In some scenes you can actually see cars drive through them.

Water defies the laws of physics.

It’s rubbish.

Water will gush through windows and then exteriors will be dry.

Character’s clothes and hair change from scene to scene.

The film isn’t fun.

It uses stock footage of sharks which is obviously filmed in a deep ocean. These scenes are meant to be on highways and side streets.

I laughed a couple of times at the audacity of the premise.

It takes itself too seriously or at least appears to.

The acting is terrible.

The acting is terrible. This needs mentioning twice.

Why are there sharks in a tornado?

These are the best lines;

Nova: They took my grandfather. That's why I really hate sharks. Matt: Now I really hate sharks, too.

The film aims for a cross between a great B-Movie and great bad film like The Room. The problem with this is that the best bad movies don’t set out to try and be bad.

The studio has tried too hard to make a bad film. As a result they’ve made a bad bad film.

After making lots of bombs, our heroes only take three with them when trying to destroy the sharknadoseseses.

It’s rubbish.

Cassie Scerbo is a pretty 23 year old woman. She sounds like she’s been smoking forty a day for twenty years.

The central character is called Fin. The movie also ends with the word ‘Fin’ on screen. You know, like in France and that.

Actor Jaason Simmons can't spell his own name.

I don’t know why the sharks are so desperate to get out of the water.

So in conclusion, Sharknado is a film that makes no sense and doesn’t attempt to. Its crime though is that it isn’t fun or funny enough to qualify as one of those silly movies for which it doesn’t matter. 

2/10