The penultimate film in the inexplicably popular Twilight series is probably the worst to
date. Having avoided the hordes of mindless team whatever fans on its initial
release I finally persuaded myself to sit down and watch the DVD twelve months
on. I was unable to get through it in one sitting. The plot is one of the least
tortuous and most dull affairs I’ve ever seen. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is
marrying Edward (R-Patzzz), much to the distain of Jacob (Taylor Lautner) who
shows his anger by ripping off his shirt less than five seconds into the film.
Following their seemingly real time marriage which feels longer than most
actual weddings I’ve been to, the happy couple go on their honeymoon, first
passing through Rio, full of stereotypical dancing Brazilians before ending up
on a secluded island. Edward is worrying about hurting Bella during
consummation and through a vomit inducing sex montage; they finally consummate
their love after all these years. But uhoh!! They must have skipped sex
education class as Bella ends up with a baby up all inside her belly. How this
happens is beyond me as the father is dead. I was under the impression that
dead people had no living cells but somehow Edward’s sperm are alive. Anyway,
the baby starts trying to kill Bella and lots of people attempt to save her,
despite the fact that she’s one of the least likeable characters in cinema
history.