It was only natural that I became
curious when I heard of a forthcoming film featuring the two super-heavyweights
of 80s action. As any man who grew up in the 90s can attest to, Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are part of my childhood. VHS copies of Commando or Cliffhanger might have been some of the first we owned and while
most of their output has aged even worse than the actors themselves, I still
get a little tingle at the thought of seeing them on screen. Escape Plan marks the pair’s first
appearance as co-stars although they were seen on screen together in Stallone’s
The Expendables. The pairing might
have come twenty years later than most fans would have liked but it certainly
draws more attention to this movie than it would have if only one man had
featured. Joining Arnie and Sly are the likes of Vinnie Jones and 50 Cent so Citizen Kane, watch out!
Stallone plays Ray Breslin, a man
who is paid by the US Government to break out of maximum security prisons; a
job he excels at. The movie opens with a long, dull sequence in which the
audience discovers just how good he is. He’s very good. He gets out. Although
he barely has time to change out of his prison jumpsuit, he’s offered double
his normal fee to break out of an undercover, off the grid, top, neigh,
super-duper top secret facility. He literally grunts at the chance and is soon
back inside. Immediately Breslin discovers that this is unlike any other jail
he’s seen before and when his emergency escape code is laughed off, he realises
he’s going to need all his skills (as well as fellow convict Emil Rottmayer –
Schwarzenegger) if he’s going to escape. Breslin develops a plan – an Escape Plan.
The movie is about as
preposterous as you’d expect but unfortunately it rarely reaches comic levels
of ridiculousness. It remains doggy paddling in the ‘I’m a serious film’ waters
for far too long, delivering only occasional attempts at frothiness and wit,
most of which fall as flat as Stallone’s nose. The one giggle that erupted from
inside my bored mind came from Arnie’s line “Have a good day, asshole”, a
terrible attempt to replicate his famous kill scene lines of old. For the most
part the film trots along with Sly looking around, occasionally mumbling
something incoherent. The man’s ability to speak clearly appears to have been
seriously diminished in recent years. This would be a problem for most of us
but you need subtitles with Stallone.
There are numerous examples of
stupidity and laziness in this film but here are just a few. To begin with,
Schwarzenegger’s character is inside the world’s highest security prison
because he apparently knows a guy who’s a bit like Robin Hood. Another unusual
detail is that in this maximum security prison to out maximise all others, the
prisoners spend most of their days together, in large groups. If I were to
design a prison to keep the most evil, dangerous and stereotypical prisoners in
the world locked up, I’d consider allowing them to spend less time together.
The guards all wear masks which hide their identity. This seems sensible except
for when the Escape Plan takes off and suddenly they are all unmasked. Surely
now more than ever they would wish to remain unknown. All except the Vinny
Jones character who goes unmasked for the entire film. For some reason.
Despite the little goofs, the
movie’s main problem is that it just isn’t exciting. The action is bland and
the script is as stale as a really rather stale thing. A margarine sandwich
that you forgot about when the dog was barking at the neighbour’s cat two days
ago, perhaps? The action scenes are intermittent and generally involve the two
stars pretending to get into a spot of fisty-cuffs in order to outwit the
guards and plan their escape. Even the extended finale, the escape itself,
failed to get my heart pounding. The movie should be sold with a defibrillator
to get the audience’s heart pumping. It surprised me that the film was so
uninspiring and dull. I never expected Jurassic Park
but something akin to even the first Expendables
for fun and excitement would have been nice. The one saving grace is a late
twist which I never saw coming. This made me reconsider how smart the film was
and the writers deserve a small pat on the back for it. Followed by a slap in
the face for the rest of the script.
The dialogue is about as corny as
a corn and corned beef sandwich on a corn tortilla. There are numerous lines
which had me groaning away into my cocktail, a cocktail which failed to
increase my enjoyment of the picture. The dialogue, like the script as a whole,
fails to fall into either fun or exciting-serious and straddles the ‘banal’
line without danger of teetering over either side. There are a few CGI shots
which are poor and the score is obvious and recycled. The direction is an area
in which I have few complaints. Mikael
Håfström is a man who can place a camera and shoot his actors. It’s not
incredible but it’s better than a lot of other directors produce in the genre.
As I’ve already mentioned briefly, the acting is an area that is rife with
problems.
Stallone looks like a half melted
T-Rex and his command of the English language is about as adroit. He mumbles
his lines and looks confused for much of the film. His athleticism and strength
is still impressive though given his advanced years. Arnie fares little better
and is as wooden as ever, seemingly forgetting all he’s learned acting wise
since stepping back into films from politics. Since losing his iconic frame,
he’s relying on acting which is never a good sign. He was much better in The Last Stand. Vinne Jones is a retired
footballer, not an actor and 50 Cent should stick to getting shot at. Amy Ryan
is wasted and Jim Caviezel plays a cardboard cut out villain. He’s utterly
forgettable. Sam Neill also pops up in a role that could have been played by a
plant pot.
In the end, Escape Plan is a really disappointing movie. It isn’t quite silly
enough to be fun and it’s too dull to be of any interest. It simply exists and
I wish it didn’t.
4/10
You may also like
Die Hard 1988
The Expendables 2010
The Last Stand 2013
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