W.E.

W.E. or Wallace and Edward or Woefully Excruciating, What Ever, Without Evidence, Worse than Empty, Withering Exacerbation or Wasteful and Erroneous is a film by Madonna that desperately seeks parallels between a modern day love story and that of Wallis Simpson and King Edward VIII. It’s rubbish, like really rubbish.

In 1998 a lonely wife called Wally (seriously, Wally) (Abbie Cornish) is obsessing over the life of Wallis Simpson (Andrea Riseborough) the woman behind the sensation of the century who met, fell in love with and married King Edward VIII of England. Simpson was not only a colonial commoner but was also twice divorced and it was inconceivable that a woman of her standing could marry a Royal let alone the man that would become King. This film tracks Wallis and Edwards’s love affair and the controversy it created while drawing comparisons to a modern day tale of love, suffering and redemption. And did I mention it’s rubbish?

Beastly

Never before has a film had such an apt title. Kyle (Alex Pettyfer) is a rich, popular, good looking, arrogant cock hole who is running for some sort of Environmental Office thing at school. After constantly insulting fellow classmate and secret witch Kendra (Mary-Kate Olsen) she puts a spell on him which makes him ugly. He has one year to make someone fall in love with him or he will stay ugly for life. Forced to live alone in a huge house which his father buys for him, he has only a maid (Lisa Gay Hamilton) and private tutor (Neil Patrick Harris) for company until he falls for ex classmate Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens) and moves her into his house. Will she fall in love with him within the year, despite his disfigured face? Will he learn that there is more to life than looks?

Chalet Girl

This cinematic abomination is the story of a former skateboarding protégé (Felicity Jones) who gave up the sport after the death of her mother in order look after her loveable but useless father (Bill Bailey) and has to work in a fast food restaurant to support her and her dad. She somehow manages to wangle a job as a Chalet Girl in Austria and is thrown into a world she just doesn’t understand. She is confronted with toffs who treat her badly but somehow overcomes all that is put in front of her to win people round and win the local snowboarding competition.

This film is terrible! After about four minutes I turned to my girlfriend and said “so she wins the snowboarding competition and gets the guy”. I received a frown in reply. The film is so stupid and obvious. It isn’t in the slightest bit funny and is infuriating to watch. Somehow Felicity Jones manages to get a job after insulting a woman interviewing her for another job. Once she gets to Austria she is confronted by cartoon rich kids and orange girls who don’t like her because she can’t ski and doesn’t have blonde hair, Ugg boots and end every sentence with the word ‘babe’. Also, just look at how ugly she is. I mean eww! Gross! But wait, she’s put some make up on and suddenly WTF! She’s actually beautiful. How did that happen?? Oh fuck off stupid film! (Sorry, a bit of internal monologue there). This film actually made me angry.

"I'm pretty and blonde, so I'm a bitch and there's NO chance we'll ever be friends..."

The music is predictable and pathetic. There is dingly-dongly piano and strings when the couple (spoiler alert) get together and plenty of uplifting chick-flick pop during the numerous montages. The acting is also awful with Felicity Jones the only actor who emerges with any credibility. Bill Nighy is underused and I don’t even know what Brooke Shields is playing at!

Even a naked Felicity Jones couldn't save the film.

I can’t be bothered to go on talking about this film. All I’ll say is it is really stupid, boring and obvious. The characters are caricatures and painfully annoying. It tries a Tess of the D’Urbervilles type storyline and fails, BUT… Felicity Jones is a bright spark and proves that her shot to stardom was not a fluke.   

If you do have the misfortune of seeing this film, and please try not to, make sure you leave before the credits in order to avoid the HILARIOUS out-takes and stupid miming to the end credits song which puts to bed any credibility the cast may have otherwise escaped with.

1/10

Sucker Punch

I really don’t know where to begin with this terrible, misogynistic excuse for a film. The plot is as good a place as any but I don’t even know how to put it into words. As far as I could tell, Emily Browning (seen here in Sleeping Beauty) plays a girl who after the death of her mother, accidently kills her sister and is committed to a mental asylum. The asylum is populated entirely by good looking women in their early 20s. She is told that she will require four items to escape the asylum before she is lobotomized and for some reason enters a fantasy world where she attempts to find them. There are two fantasy worlds with one inside the other. In the first she is, for some reason a kind of lap dancer/prostitute. This world is populated by young women dancing around in their underwear. Why a 20 year old woman’s fantasy would be to be trapped in an evil lap dancing club I don’t know. The second level of fantasies occurs when she starts to dance. During these, Browning is transported, along with four other girls to some sort of battle scene where they must defeat the bad guy to get the map/knife/whatever they are looking for. During these scenes, the girls wear different skimpy outfits. And other than some borderline rape scenes, that’s basically it.

The film is massively over stylised. Zack Snyder well is known for this and although it worked ok in Watchmen, here it just looked stupid. The opening five minutes felt like a music video and from there on in it was a mixture of a computer game and a fourteen year old boy’s daydream. There were far too many slow motion shots which all zoomed in slowly. It was repetitive and unnecessary. The film dragged on and the slow motion made it feel even longer. By the time Browning’s character went in to her third fantasy featuring a Lord of the Rings style Orcs vs Knights battle, I let out a grown as I realised we were only about half way through.

This is the most video game like film I’ve ever watched. Each fantasy acts as a level which the characters must complete before moving onto the next and the CGI was like watching a trailer for a fantasy game. Browning’s character even dressed like a Japanese girl in one of those platform-fighting games.

Like all women, the cast wear their 'sex clothes' to coffee mornings

The film seems to suggest that the objectification of women is somehow empowering or makes them stronger. I find this assumption to be disgusting. I’m a little surprised that the film was even made given its clearly misogynistic tones. Why if the female characters are constantly on the brink of being raped are they seen in their own fantasies as fetishised versions of themselves? I would have thought that the fantasy versions of themselves would be as un-sexual as possible but instead we see them dressed as ‘sexy school girls’ in more up skirt shots than you’d find in the Daily Star. This film’s sexual politics are so unbelievably skewed that I am surprised that the actors agreed to appear in it.

The acting isn’t atrocious but when all the actors have to do is dress as sex workers and fight imaginary monsters, there’s not much you can do wrong. The Very Hungry Caterpillar probably has more dialogue than this film and that story is more compelling. The actors spend half of their time posing in their underwear and the rest of the time kicking giant Samurai warriors or German soldiers with red eyes.

For a film that contains so much action and titillation, it is incredibly boring. I think its astonishing that I was bored by two hours of scantily clad young women hitting monsters but I didn’t care what happened or when or even why. There is one nice moment towards the end where I thought to myself “Ahh that’s why she…” but for the other 108 minutes I was left feeling bored and angry. I don’t know why the film was made. If people want to see near naked women, they can go online. If they want to play a video game, they can. If they want to watch a film, they should avoid this pile of nonsense crap.

1/10