Last week, friend and fellow
blogger Richard (of I Liked That Film) produced a DVD from his bag and passed
it to me. He told me to watch it and said it’s rubbish. Over the last year or
so, a succession of films has passed between the two of us with each attempting
to increase the other’s cineliteracy. This time though, I thought he was taking
the piss as the film he presented me with was called Dinocroc vs. Supergator. I was briefly told about one or two
terrible scenes and like you do when you receive socks for Christmas, I smiled
politely, said thank you and tucked the film into my own bag. Despite having
just bought Rome Open City and Breathless the day before, it was this
that found its way into my DVD player first. Perhaps it was curiosity or maybe
it was similar to how you eat the vegetables before saving the steak until last
but I watched it first. And it’s awful. I’ve seen some bad films before but
this is up there with the worst.
The plot is very simple. An
unscrupulous biotech company is developing super crops on a Hawaiian Island.
Secretly they are also using the methods they’ve discovered to grow animals.
For some reason a Dinocroc and Supergator escape and eat most of the
scientists. Then they eat random idiots on various parts of the island before
being contained and forced to fight each other by a ramshackle group of local
heroes and assorted hangers on.
There have been a lot of
similarly titled B-Movies in recent years with titles such as Sharknado and Pihranaconda jumping out for their combining of dangerous sounding
things. I don’t know if they’re popular and I doubt they’re very good but they
keep getting made. This film is released as ‘Roger Corman Presents’ with the
veteran B-Movie director giving the Syfy channel the initial idea. Fortunately
for Corman’s reputation, that’s where his input ended. Unfortunately another
veteran whose career is held in high regard didn’t manage to escape this film.
David Carradine who himself starred in the Corman produced, Scorsese directed Boxcar Bertha in 1972, stars in a role
that made me feel sorry for him. Why he took it, I don’t know but it joined the
long list of shameful productions he appeared in post Kill Bill in the years before his embarrassing death.
The production values shift
between competent and laughable. At times I could see the skill of the director
or camera operator but mostly it was just very poor. Early heli-cam shots are
juddery and the movie on the whole makes Hawaii
look bland and dull. The locations seem to be chosen largely for their beauty
but the pretty landscapes aren’t allowed to shine through the camera and look
like someone’s poorly framed, poorly lit holiday video. The GCI is dreadful
from start to finish. It has a cheap shine to it and nothing has any weight.
Not even a twenty tonne dinocroc (whatever one of those are) impacts on its
environment. The effects are simply plastered on to the location footage. No
attempt is even made to create a sense of the beasts pushing aside water as
they swim. It’s difficult to find an accurate budget for the movie but it
appears to have been somewhere around $500,000. I realise that you probably
couldn’t run Michael
Bay’s computers on that
figure but I always site Gareth Evans’ Monsters
which created beautiful special effects in 2010 on a similar budget.
Dinocroc vs. Supergator is one of those films which stretches out a
premise to breaking point and its ninety or so minutes felt like hours. After
just 27 minutes last night, my girlfriend asked if we could turn it off. I
thought it must be nearly over but it had barely begun. There’s lots going on
but nothing seems to happen. There are also so many characters. Each person
that gets attacked is given five minutes of boring back story and then just
gobbled up. What’s the point? I don’t care about a horror film director who
wants the best suite in the hotel and chats up wannabe starlets when I know
that he will be eaten in a few moments. There seems to be hundreds of speaking
parts and what makes it worse is that some of the actors appear to find
speaking a really difficult thing to do.
Occasionally I’ll watch a major
film and think “Gosh, his/her acting wasn’t very good” but then I watched Dinocroc vs. Supergator. The actors
aren’t so much acting as standing in front of a camera. Screams of terror look
fake and sound ridiculous and the dramatic stuff is so forced and awkward that
I wanted to curl up under the sofa and cry. It’s all so wooden and stilted. Of
course the actors might be hampered by some of the worst dialogue I’ve ever
heard. Words and phrases which would sound bad in The Room are splurted from the faces of the bemused and befuddled
actors as they attempt to wade through a thick soup of discarded dignity. The
script doesn’t even appear to have its tongue in cheek and takes itself far too
seriously, diluting any sense of fun that a film like this might have otherwise
contained.
In addition to all of the above,
the costumes and props look ridiculous. In one scene, a group of sort of
military experts or something arrive on the island in silly looking
helicopters. They are dressed as though they just grabbed the last uniform at a
cheap fancy dress shop. The central cast’s costumes are equally as stupid. From
the strange leather waistcoat of the hunky guy to the flowery shirt of the main
hero to the overly revealing clothes of every female character, it all looked
crass and cheap. The props are equally as bad. Towards the end, a character
throws a stick of C4 which is really obviously just a bottle of water! It’s so
poorly done. What I don’t understand is that in the scene before, he had the C4
in his hand so why substitute it for a bottle? No attempt is made to hide it
either. Six bullet guns are fired fifteen times and there are continuity errors
all over the place. And don’t even get me started as to how or why a crocodile
will grow into a dinosaur. The film doesn’t attempt to make any sense.
Despite all of the problems with Dinocroc vs. Supergator, its biggest
flaw is that it isn’t fun. You can sometimes forgive shoddy work if the movie
is exciting, interesting or funny but there’s none of that here. Instead what
you get is a ridiculous 95 minutes of dull action, unrealistic creatures and
uninspiring characters. The movie is a series of vignettes in which a giant
animal eats someone’s head and then walks off before a boring final fight. That
isn’t fun. Even if you like the idea of the movie, just avoid it. There are far
sillier, far better low budget films out there. I’m struggling to think of one
reason to give the film more than 1/10 and honestly can’t think of one.
Actually, Amy Rasimas wears a strangely chosen coloured lipstick which amused
me. Also, her name sounds funny so I’ll go for…
2/10
Titbits
- Rib Hillis is also a funny sounding name.
- The opening heli-cam shots were filmed in just a couple of hours. It shows.
- The Director broke his arm when he fell out of a helicopter. This must have been much more exciting than anything in his movie.
I can't believe you even bothered to score it!
ReplyDeleteThings to ponder;
1 (which you already touched on) Why does the alligator just become bigger but the croc become dinosaur shaped?
2) When the girls in the pool are attacked from underneath, where on Earth does the beast come from? It's not even ankle deep.
3) Alligators and Crocs are cold blooded, right? So why do they show up on the chopper's thermal imaging (I hope I haven't said something scientifically silly there)
4) Why, when found on the thermal imaging, is the croc's shape back to that of just a giant croc?
IT"S AMAZING.
At least you acknowledged the fact that I pre-warned you.
There's so much wrong with this film, you could do a thesis on its flaws.
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