A group of five friends are on holiday, hiking and climbing
around the remote mountains of Northern Scotland
when they chance upon a strange noise. Tracking it down they discover a pipe
sticking out of the ground and what appears to be a girl trapped in a box
underground. After setting her free they begin their trek to the nearest town
to report a kidnapping but are chased every step of the way by the shady men
who put the girl in the hole in the first place.
I have a vague recollection of the film’s title and my
girlfriend assures me that we wanted to see it so she borrowed it from a
friend. I wish she hadn’t bothered. The plot is ok but doesn’t go deep enough
and the acting and dialogue seem like they were done by people who understood
the concept but had never actually seen it practiced.
The dialogue features several moments which made me laugh
out loud due to either its ridiculousness or poor phrasing. The film really
could have done with another draft or perhaps utilised someone who could write
as a script editor. What doesn’t help is that some of the acting is so stilted
and flat that it shows up the poor dialogue even more. The five friends are all
terrible in pretty much every scene even though a couple are recognisable faces
who have appeared in the likes of 30 Days
of Night, Brighton Rock, 24 Hour Party People and Stardust. Other
acting credits include the likes of The
Bill and Home and Away… Anyway,
it’s pretty terrible. Lead actress Melisa George who is Australian has a
totally untraceable accept which ranges from English to American to Irish. A
few of the other actors were slightly better but I didn’t think anyone gave a
particularly good performance.
The cinematography was beautiful at times and features
several long tracking shots of the Scottish Highlands. There are also some nice
camera angles and good shots of abseiling and mountain climbing. One problem
though was that there was a slow motion shot about every two minutes and it was
completely unnecessary. Sometimes a slow motion sequence can add to a scene but
here it was used just for the hell of it. Maybe the film was running a little
short so they wanted to increase the run time at no extra cost? Whatever the
reason, it was pointless and there was only one scene (by a river) in which it
added anything to the movie.
Even though the dialogue felt like it was produced by
getting babies to point at words, the acting was painfully bad and there was
enough slow-mo to fill to feed Mega-City One for a week, the worst thing about
the film is that is wasn’t scary. I didn’t jump or feel unnerved once and I’m
the sort of person that cowers behind cushions during most horror films. The
film worked slightly better as a thriller but only because the sight of people
running around and shooting at each other is generally exciting. The film isn’t
even creepy. Movies such as Wolf Creek make
you scared of the area they are set in and but I didn’t ever get that feeling
here. I just thought “ooh, Scotland
looks pretty”. A further problem is that in the third act the action heads into
a small Scottish town which just so happens to have some sort of Cirque d Soleil
style parade happening on the High Street, complete with topless dancers and
the cast of Cats juggling fire. Come
on! During this time a house somehow sets itself on fire and when you get to
the ending (WARNING SPOILER ALERT) you realise that four of the friends have
died to save a rich little girl who is the daughter of a War Criminal! Fuck
him!!
A Lonely Place to Die won
Best Film at the Actionfest Film Festival in Asheville, North Carolina
and I can only assume that the other films were all three hour long, fuzzy,
black and white shots of turds because this is a dreadful, poorly acted,
childlike scripted, plop of a film.
3/10
GFR 4/10
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