Total Recall

"You were dreaming. Doug? Was it about Mars?"

It’s 2084 and bored construction worker Douglas Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) wakes from yet another dream featuring him and a mysterious woman on Mars. Quaid is bored and dislikes his surroundings and tries to get his wife Lori (Sharon Stone) to agree to a holiday on the red planet. She declines. On his way to work Quaid sees an advert for Rekall, a company that implants memories for a fee. He visits them and agrees to a two week implanted holiday on Mars where he’ll also take on the role of a secret agent. While he is being put to sleep but before the memories can be implanted Quaid has a violent reaction, claiming that they have blown his cover. He escapes the facility and after being attacked heads for Mars to uncover who’s trying to kill him and indeed who he is.

I first saw Total Recall about twelve years ago and certain things had stuck in my memory but I couldn’t remember the ending. What I did discover is that my memory of the film was much better than I now think it is.

Triple Trouble

Charlie Chaplin’s final Essanay film is probably his most controversial. Unlike the controversy his films created in the 1930s and 40s, the controversy surrounding Triple Trouble comes from its very existence. The two reel film was created in 1918; two years after Chaplin left Essanay and was compiled by Chaplin regular Leo White. White directed some sequences and took other scenes from Police as well as the ending from Work and some unused footage from the never completed Life. The result is a hodgepodge of half completed jokes, tired scenes and uneven continuity.

The plot (I think) involves Chaplin working in the house of a scientist/Count (Leo White) as a janitor. Having got into his trademark trouble and briefly bumping into a Maid (Edna Purviance) whose role is not expanded, the janitor finds a bed for the night at a flophouse. While there a pickpocket enters and starts stealing from the residents. The janitor attempts to stop him and then for some reason runs away from the police. Later the janitor meets an old friend who convinces the cleaner to help him to steal from his employers.

Cinema Paradiso

"Out of the fire of love come ashes. Even the greatest love eventually fizzles out"

Giuseppe Tornatore’s much heralded 1988 film Cinema Paradiso begins with a famous film director in Rome called Salvatore (Jaques Perrin) receiving news from his estranged mother that a man called Alfredo has died. The director then remembers back to the mid 1940s when he was a young child in the Sicilian village of Giancaldo. The young Salvatore (Salvatore Cascio), nicknamed Toto is a highly intelligent six year old who becomes fascinated with cinema during his frequent visits to the local picture house Cinema Paradiso. The boy develops a friendship with an old projectionist called Alfredo (Philippe Noiret) and begs him to teach him the art of film projection. Alfredo is hesitant at first, deeming it an unfit job for the sprightly Toto but through charm and persistence the boy finally becomes an apprentice. A few years later the now adolescent Toto (Marco Leonardi) is running the Cinema Paradiso and begins messing around with his own films. One day he spots a beautiful girl at the railway station (Agnese Nano) and his infatuation and love of film becomes shared with his love for the girl.

The film follows Salvatore/Toto from a young boy, right through to his middle age and is one of the most loving films I’ve seen in a long time. This is not only a romantic drama but also a love letter to film itself.

Police

Charlie Chaplin’s penultimate film for Essanay is regarded as amongst the best of his output for the company. The film was actually released after his first film for the Mutual Film Corporation The Floorwalker, over five months after his previous Essanay film Burlesque on Carmen. Another interesting release related fact is that Police released over two years before his finally Essanay film Triple Trouble which was created in part by Chaplin regular Leo White by piecing together unused shots from other Chaplin films including this and the unfinished feature Life.    

Police stars Chaplin as a recently released convict trying to make it in a cruel and hostile world. The initial plot follows along the same lines as much of Chaplin’s work. There were portions of Police that reminded me of Modern Times and the idea of the Tramp struggling to survive was used by Chaplin time and time again. It has been suggested that Chaplin borrowed the plot from Broncho Billy’s His Regeneration for which he had an uncredited cameo and I agree that the character development at least is shared between the two.

This is Spinal Tap

"Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported"

Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Spinal Tap, Iron Maiden, KISS, Black Sabbath. Some of the greatest rock bands in history, but there’s an odd one out. Spinal Tap, a band formed by actors Michael McKean, Christopher Guest and Harry Shearer aren’t really a band at all. Spinal Tap are a fake band, created for the 1984 film This is Spinal Tap, a documentary, or rockumentary about a fictional aging British rock band embarking on their first US tour in six years. We follow their story from their landing in New York, through mishaps and mistakes as they struggle to deal with diminishing audiences, problems with the record label and inter band tensions. The film has become and iconic cult hit with the band still performing regularly today and has been credited by Ricky Gervais as one of the biggest influences for The Office. The band has even appeared in The Simpsons.

Beautiful Lies

"I don't want to love someone else. Understand? I just want to be sad"

Known in some countries by the titles Full Treatment or De vrais mensonges, Beautiful Lies is a French romantic comedy starring Audrey Tautou. Emilie (Tautou) is the co-owner of a new Salon in the beautiful seaside town of Sète. She receives an anonymous love letter which is actually from the Salon maintenance man Jean (Sami Bouajila). Jean is head over heels in love with Emilie but besides the anonymous letter hasn’t let his feelings be known to anyone. Emilie briefly reads the letter but throws it away then meets her mother Maddy (Nathalie Baye). Maddy has lost her spark and is depressed about her failed marriage. Emilie decides that to cheer her mother up she will take the love letter from the bin, type it up and post it to her mother’s address. This brings Maddy back to life and she begins her quest to discover its sender. What follows is a series of confused misunderstandings as the man ends up caught in a love triangle with mother and daughter.

Beautiful Lies is a frothy and often very funny romantic comedy which features some great performances from the principle cast.

Sunrise

"We're going for a trip across the water, I may not be back for quite some time"

Sunrise or sometimes known by its full title Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans is a multi Oscar winning film from F. W. Murnau, one of the most famed Directors of the silent era. Mixing Murnau’s traditional German Expressionism with Hollywood techniques the film stars George O’Brian as a rural farmer who begins an elicit affair with a glamorous and sophisticated Woman from the City (Margaret Livingston). The City Woman persuades the Farmer that he’d be better off with her in the city and suggests that he drowns his Wife (Janet Gaynor) and makes it look like an accident. Following a last minute change of heart The Man tries to gain his wife’s forgiveness as she herself flees to the city with him in tow.

I’d never heard of this film until a couple of weeks ago when I was searching for Silent Films that I could watch for Eternity of Dream’s Speechless Blogathon. I searched the IMDb Top 250 and found that this was one of the few silent films I hadn’t seen. And boy am I glad I found it. It is not surprising that Sunrise remains so highly regarded today as it is a truly magnificent film.

Movie Confessions Blogathon

I don't usually do these Q and A type things as I like to stick to reviews but as I was browsing some of my favourite blogs I noticed that Eternity of Dream had taken part in this Blogathon created by 2012 Lammie Best Blogathon runner-up My Film Views, a blog I wasn't familiar with but is also very good and worth checking out. So here are my confessions...

Which classic movie don’t you like/can’t enjoy and why?
I'll probably get a few negative comments for this but I don't like Blade Runner. I thought it was really boring. I wanted to like it because I'd always heard how great it was and I like Ridley Scott and Sci-Fi. One day I'll go back and reassess it. I'm also not that keen on The Godfather but love The Godfather Part II.

Which ten classic movies haven’t you seen yet?
Going off the IMDb Top 250 in order I haven't seen...
Casablanca
Sunset Boulevard
North by North West
Citizen Cane
M
Ameile
Chinatown
Some Like it Hot
The Lion King
Rashomon

I admit there are some pretty big omissions in there and trust me I'm trying to rectify it. I only saw Psycho for the first time this week.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it"

High School senior Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) decides he doesn’t want to go to school so tricks his parents into believing he’s ill. Having a day off, Ferris persuades his hypochondriac friend Cameron (Alan Ruck) to join him in downtown Chicago for the day and the two of them pick up Ferris’ girlfriend Sloane (Mia Sara) on the way in Cameron’s dad’s ‘borrowed’ Ferrari. Hot on the tails of Ferris and his friends are Dean of Students (Jeffrey Jones) and Ferris’ sister Jeanie (Jennifer Grey) who is angry that Ferris keeps getting away with skipping school.

Ferris Bueller is one of those films which when I tell people I haven’t seen they look at me like I’ve just called their grandmother a whore. It seems to be one of those film which a lot of people absolutely adore and now I’ve seen it I agree with them that it’s very good but I wasn’t enamoured with it as much as many people are.

Burlesque on Carmen

Charlie Chaplin’s 13^th Essanay film is loosely based on Georges Bizet’s famous opera Carmen and stars Chaplin as Darn Hosiery, a Spanish Officer on watch at a popular smuggling point. Local barman Lillas Pastia (Jack Henderson) persuades an attractive gypsy girl, Carmen (Edna Purviance) to distract the guard while they smuggle their goods. Despite having no interest in the man Carmen uses her charms to distract Hosiery who ends up in a love quartet for the gypsy’s heart.

Burlesque on Carmen is an above average Essanay picture and features some nice subtle comedy as well as the usual trips, kicks and pokes. It also features the first noticeably decent performance from Chaplin regular Edna Purviance.

King of New York

"You guys got fat while everybody starved on the street. Now it's my turn"

A New York drug lord Frank White (Christopher Walken) is being driven in his limousine back into the city following his release from prison. His crew are busy taking out a rival Columbian gang who have been encroaching on White’s business while he’s been away. Once he’s back White wastes no time in taking out more of New York’s crime lords and cements himself as the King of New York. Disgruntled that they are never able to get charges to stick, a few wild Police Officers decide that the only way to stop White and his gang is to take them out.

Featuring an impressive cast which alongside Walken includes gangsters Laurence Fishburne, Steve Buscemi, Giancarlo Esposito and Theresa Randle with Cops Wesley Snipes, Victor Argo and David Caruso the film is a tale of good vs evil, but as you’d expect the lines between the two are blurred. Although not in the same league as the likes of Scarface, Carlito’s Way or Serpico all of which share themes with this, it is a decent gangster picture.

Psycho

"A boy's best friend is his mother"

Having embezzled $40,000 from her employers, Secretary Marion Crane (Janet Leigh) flees in her car. After narrowly escaping the clutches of a suspicious Police Officer she pulls into a quite motel during a heavy rainstorm. The owner Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) greets her warmly and explains that they don’t receive many guests due to the freeway being moved. After offering Marion supper at the house he shares with his mother, Norman has to then retract the offer following an off screen argument with the old woman… A few days later when Marion’s disappearance in noticed a Private Detective (Martin Balsam) tracks her movements to the motel but he too goes missing. Fearing the worst Marion’s boyfriend Sam (John Gavin) and sister Lila (Vera Miles) head to the motel to search for the missing woman.

Psycho contains one of the most famous scenes in all cinema history as well as one of the most recognisable scores and most unexpected and shocking twists. Even without these three key elements though it would still be a five star film.

Intolerance

"The cradle endlessly rocking"

Having come under attack following the release of his 1915 masterpiece The Birth of a Nation D.W. Griffith wanted to show in his next picture that intolerance of people’s views was just as bad and created one of the seminal early silent movies, Intolerance. The story follows four completely unrelated but thematically linked stories, each with the theme of intolerance. The story given the most screen time is a contemporary story of crime and suffering. Perhaps the most famous strand is the fall of Babylon while a story of Jesus’ crucifixion and one revolving around a 16^th century French massacre are given less time but are nonetheless integral to the story.

Despite its age and overlong runtime the film remains one of the great classics of the silent era and is frequently mentioned alongside some of the greatest films ever made.

In Time

"For a few to be immortal, many must die"

In the near future the human race has managed to genetically engineer itself to stop aging at 25. Once you reach 25 though you are given one year of time until your death. As a result time becomes currency with people able to exchange, rob and work for it. Society has been divided by social class into various time zones and it is in one of the poorest zones that we find factory worker Will Salas (Justin Timberlake). Salas lives day to day in the ghetto, never having more than a few hours to live. After the death of his mother (the totally hot Olivia Wilde) Will saves the life of a 104 year old with a death wish. The old man gives Will all of his time he but is then hunted down by Time Keeper (Cillian Murphy) under suspicion of murder. Will travels to the prosperous New Greenwich where he meets heiress Sylvia Weis (Amanda Seyfried). When the time keepers catch up with him, Will kidnaps Sylvia and the two go on the run.

There is a very interesting idea somewhere in this film and occasionally it attempts to shine through but is often hampered by poor dialogue and an obvious, much told story.

The Dark Knight Rises

Spoiler Free

The final part of Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy finds Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) broken, physically and mentally, eight years on from the events of The Dark Knight. Wayne has become a recluse, staying away from the limelight both as a Billionaire playboy and masked vigilante. Wayne is temped out of retirement though through a combination of curiosity about a wily cat burglar called Selina Kyle (Anne Hathaway) and the threat of a powerful anarchist named Bane (Tom Hardy).

I’ve never been as much of a fan of Nolan’s Batman films as some people although I did like Batman Begins and really enjoyed The Dark Knight. Going in I’d avoided all spoilers and reviews but expected that I would enjoy the film. I was wrong though. I didn’t just enjoy it but thought it was one of the best, if not the best film I’ve seen so far this year. Nothing prepared me for just how good this film is.

Project Nim

"Nim Banana Eat"

Project Nim is a 2011 Documentary feature about the life of a Chimpanzee called Nim Chimpsky. In 1973 the two week old Nim became the subject of a Columbia University study that attempted to ascertain whether or not Chimps were capable of communicating with humans in the form of sign language. Nim was bought up as a human by a variety of people based at the University and eventually learned 125 signs for the likes of ‘eat’ ‘play’ ‘Nim’ ‘hug’ and ‘cat’ and was able to string the signs together to form basic requests such as ‘Banana eat me Nim’. Once Nim became too old to be handled he was returned to the Primate Institute in which he was born but then had a traumatic final fifteen years.

I remember studying Nim for A Level Psychology and being fascinated with the idea that Chimps could communicate in this manner. Since that time I have become interested in anthropology and primatology and while I’m no expert, I wasn’t shocked or surprised by any of the incredible things that Nim was capable of. Had I come to the film with no knowledge of Nim or the study I expect I would have enjoyed the film more than I did.

The Debt

"The truth stays in this room, between us"

In 1997 an Israeli journalist is at the launch of her new book. The story is based on her mother’s (Helen Mirren) first assignment as a Mossad agent in which she and two other agents captured the Nazi War Criminal “The Surgeon of Birkenau” (Jasper Christensen). The plot then shows what happened in East Berlin in 1965 and reveals there is much more to the story than the published account.

The film goes back and forth from 1965 to 1997 but stays in 1965 for the most part. We watch as Rachel Singer (Jessica Chastain) arrives in Berlin and takes up her role as a field agent along with David Peretz (Sam Worthington) and Stefan Gold (Marton Csokas). The trio successfully track down the old Doctor and capture him before a problem with his extraction means that they have to bring him to their apartment and find a new means of escape. The film is full of surprising twists and revelations which along with some great acting and terrific script make a dramatic thriller.

The Amazing Spider-Man

"Do you have any idea what you really are?"

Just ten years after the first of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy the series is rebooted with English actor Andrew Garfield actor taking over from Tobey Maguire as the masked vigilante Spider-Man/school kid Peter Parker. Parker is a normal teenager living in New York. He lives with his aunt and uncle (Sally Field and Martin Sheen) due to his parents unexplained late night desertion of their son when he was a child. Peter is in love with fellow classmate Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) and shunned by most of his class. After discovering his father worked with Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans), Peter helps the scientist with a regenerative formula which could help Connors to re-grow a lost limb. While at Connor’s offices, Peter is bitten by a genetically engineered spider and gains new strength and skills. Following a harrowing personal loss, Peter uses these skills to track down a criminal before turning his attention to a new threat – The Lizard.

Before watching Raimi’s trilogy again recently I thought that it was far too soon for a Spider-Man reboot but after watching and reviewing them for GB Posters I came to the conclusion that I was ready for a fresh look at the series; a more grown up and modern look. The Amazing Spider-Man definitely feels more grown up than Raimi’s trilogy and it has overcome many of the problems that those films had. That being said, it is far from perfect.

A Night in the Show

For Chaplin’s 12^th Essanay film he turns to familiar ground by partially recreating a sketch he first performed in Fred Karno’s theatre company. Chaplin takes the part of two characters. The first is Mr. Rowdy, a working class theatre attendee who turns up drunk. The second is Mr. Pest, an upper class theatre attendee who also shows up inebriated. Both characters get in the way of other audience members and impact on most of the on stage action before one ends the show for good.

The film begins very promisingly with some superb ‘business’ from both of Chaplin’s characters. Rowdy walks down the isle of the dress circle and continues to walk off the edge, having to be hauled back up by other audience members while Pest first cuts in the ticket queue before changing seats much to the annoyance of those around him and finally has a fight with the musical conductor. Unfortunately the rest of the film doesn’t quite live up to the opening five or ten minutes and the volume and quality of the jokes tail off slightly before a return to form in the final minutes.

Somewhere

A newly famous actor Johnny Marco (Stephen Dorff) spends his days drinking, taking pills and having casual sex with a string of beautiful women while residing at the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles. Occasionally he will be called to give an interview or sent to a photo shoot with a co-star but usually he has his days to himself, sometimes hanging out with his school friend Sammy (Chris Pontius). One day he receives an unexpected visit from his eleven year old daughter Cleo (Elle Fanning) whose stay challenges his lifestyle.
 

The film can be seen in a semi autobiographic sense as director Sofia Coppola spent much of her childhood following her father Frances Ford around the world for film making and press. Cleo can be seen as a version of herself while Johnny is the archetypal star for whom life has become easy and boring. The main problem with the film is that we, the audience, are meant to feel sorry for Johnny but I did not.

Meek's Cutoff

In 1845 a small band of settlers travel across the Oregon Desert under the guidance of Stephen Meek (Bruce Greenwood). What was meant to be a two week journey is stretched to five as the group begin to wonder if Meek actually knows the way. With food and water scarce and tensions running high, the settlers’ chance upon a local native, capture him and attempt to get him to lead them to water. Will they find it? Will he actually lead them to it? And, will they ever make it across the desert?

I’ve become quite a fan of modern Westerns recently and have really enjoyed the likes of The Assassination of Jesse James, There Will Be Blood and True Grit amongst others. Meek’s Cutoff shares little with those films though other than its time in history and genre. This is a film about the isolation of the old west and the physical and mental pain that one must go through in order to continue the expansion west. Unlike most other Westerns, this is also told from mostly the female perspective.

His Regeneration

A tough criminal gets in to an argument in a dancehall which escalates into a fight. When the criminal is shot he is aided by a mysterious woman and recovers. Once he recovers he burgles a house but gets a surprise which puts an end to his criminal path.

This is a bit of an oddity amongst my Charlie Chaplin – Essanay box set in that it isn’t a Chaplin film at all. Instead Chaplin has a credit as ‘slightly assisted by’ and has a very brief cameo in front of the camera too. The film was actually directed, written and starred in by Chaplin’s boss and co-head of Essanay Gilbert M. Anderson (Broncho Billy).

For a Charlie Chaplin fan this is one to ignore as Chaplin is on screen for all of thirty seconds. He tries to push his way to the front of a queue, is sent back and then gets pushed around when people start dancing. The film itself is forgettable and features a confusing and slightly dull storyline. Its saving grace though is its acting which feels remarkably real and natural compared to Chaplin’s regular cast. It is this that saves it from the depths of being a one star movie.    

3/10

Seven Samurai

"I've got nothing out of fighting; I'm alone in the world"

During the late sixteenth century a poor farming village hires seven masterless Samurai to help to combat a group of forty bandits who return each year after harvest to steal their crop. After much searching the farmers eventually discover a wise and experienced Samurai called Kambei (Takashi Shimura) who agrees to not only help them but also find six more Samurai to protect the village.

Along with Kambei the villagers recruit a band of warriors which includes the young and untested Katsushiro (Iaso Kimura), a skilled archer called Gorobei (Yoshio Inaba), Kyuzo (Seiji Miyaguchi) – a solemn and stone faced master swordsman and my favourite, the drunk and unpredictable Kikuchiyo (Toshirō Mifune). Along with Heihachi and Shichirōji they become the Seven Samurai. I hadn’t seen this film before now but had always been aware that it was considered one of the best films of all time. While I’ve definitely seen a lot of films that I prefer, I can understand why it is held in such high regard.

Shanghaied

A ship owner intends to scuttle his ship and asks his Captain to round up a crew. The Captain in turn hires a Tramp (Charlie Chaplin) to help him ‘Shanghai’ (forcibly conscript) some sailors. This backfires for the tramp though as he himself is Shanghaied. On board ship the Tramp attempts to help out with a variety of different tasks but unsurprisingly is useless at all of them. Meanwhile the ship owner’s daughter (Edna Purviance) has stowed away aboard ship in an attempt to stop the crime of scuttling and save her lover, the Tramp.

After the wonderful highs of The Bank, this film was a huge come down. It is by far my least favourite Charlie Chaplin film to date although there are inevitably some good moments to be found.

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

"Andy... that's Mom and Dad's store"

Two brothers (Phillip Seymour Hoffman & Ethan Hawke) in very different situations but both desperately in need of money decide to rob their parents Jewellery store. As you’d expect the heist goes wrong and leaves one family member dead while the others try to come to terms with the consequences.

I don’t want to give anymore away than that as spoilers are like a minefield with this film. It is presented in a non linier way with scenes chopping back and forth through the narrative, often from different perspectives. It’s never difficult to follow though. While the back and forth storytelling was interesting I didn’t feel that the different points of view made a difference. I had never heard of this movie and was recommended it by our building’s concierge. As a result I didn’t know what to expect but I was pleasantly surprised when the excellent cast popped up on screen. Each time a new character came on screen I was thinking “ooh its Hoffman, ooh it’s Hawke. Ooh Albert Finney’s in this. And Rosemary Harris. Ahh, Marisa Tomei (with her contractual topless scenes). Cool, Amy Ryan. Ah, nice one it’s Michael Shannon”. The cast is excellent. The film however isn’t.

The Bank

A janitor in a bank (Charlie Chaplin) has a crush on a secretary (Edna Purviance) who is in love with cashier (Carl Stockdale). Chaplin mistakes a present sent from Purviance to Stockdale as being for him and when his advances towards Purviance are laughed away he becomes depressed. Despite being a terrible janitor, Chaplin becomes the hero (or does he?) when he foils a bank robbery.

This film took me a little bit by surprise. I was expecting a slapstick affair with Chaplin getting into the sort of trouble that Buster Keaton did in his film The Haunted House but this is a much more rounded piece than pretty much anything Chaplin had done before. Chaplin spends more time off screen than in any of his previous Essanay films and instead of being in front of the camera, fooling around, allows his characters and story to propel the film along. That isn’t to say that Chaplin is a side character or not funny. He is still the central character and produces some great comedic turns.

The Versatile Blogger Award

Gary at Head in a Vice recently, and very kindly chose me for The Versatile Blogger Award. I don't really know much about this but was flattered to be considered nonetheless. There are various rules that come with this award, some of which are fun, others less so. Here they are. 

1. In a post on your blog, nominate 10 fellow bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award; and link to them.

2. In the same post, add the Versatile Blogger Award.

3. In the same post, thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.

4. In the same post, share 10 completely random pieces of information about yourself.

5. In the same post, include this set of rules.

6. Inform each nominated blogger of their nomination by posting a comment on each of their blogs.

Here are some blogs which I've enjoyed over the last six months or so that I've been blogging.

The Goat

Buster Keaton is walking past a jail when he grabs the bars and peers inside. On the other side of the bars is notorious murderer “Dead Shot Dan” who is being photographed. Seeing that Keaton is behind him, Dan ducks out of shot and once he escapes, a photo of Keaton, seemly behind bars is published. As a result of this Keaton is forced to go on the run from various police officers including a persistent Police Chief who just won’t give up.

I watch a lot of Silent Comedy but if I had to ask someone to watch just one short silent picture it may well be this one. The Goat is packed full of wonderful jokes, ingenious set ups and incredible stunt work. I laughed more at twenty seven minutes of this film than I have during probably every comedy I’ve seen so far this year combined.

Don't be Afraid of the Dark

"La Di Da Di, We likes to party, we don't cause no trouble, we don't bother nobody"

Sometime in the past, the owner of a large Rhode Island mansion summons his housekeeper to the basement where he kills her and removes her teeth with a hammer and chisel. The man offers the teeth to some unseen creatures inside a fireplace and asks for the return of his son. He doesn’t get his wish. Fast forward to the present day and a man (Guy Pearce) and woman (Katie Holmes) move into the mansion along with Pearce’s estranged and reclusive daughter (Bailee Madison). Sally, depressed at being separated from her mother discovers the now hidden basement (which was somehow missed by surveyors, estate agents and owners but discovered by an eight year old) and awakens whatever lies inside the old fireplace. Once the creatures are out they want one thing; to take someone back down with them.

Considering this is a horror film it's less scary than when Nemo’s dad loses his son. The slow and tedious opening lasts for half an hour, during which time there is no atmosphere and little tension. One of the reasons that The Woman in Black was so successful is that it created atmosphere and suspense. Here there is none. We just get panning shots of what feels like quite a nice and not at all creepy house.

Red Riding Hood

"There's a big, bad wolf and someone has to stop it"

Following an unconvincing swoop through a CGI Medieval landscape we somehow arrive in what appears to be an American Medieval village that is being ravaged by a werewolf. Our heroine, Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is a young woman who lives in the village. She is in love with woodcutter Peter (Shiloh Fernandez) but has been betrothed to the son of a wealthy blacksmith called Henry (Max Irons). Shortly after the wolf returns from a long absence and begins to kill, a (possibly) Dutch witch hunter called Father Solomon (Gary Oldman) rides into town inside a giant metallic elephant with a retinue of some African fellas and a Japanese chap. Solomon tries to hunt the wolf down while Valerie, given a red hood by her grandma, and her two love interests track the wolf as well.

This film is just an excuse for yet another tween Twilightified love triangle story. This effort has added fairytale elements, silly dancing and awful music. The plot is preposterous and the dialogue feels like it’s been lifted from half heard conversations at a Californian mall. This is by far the worst film I’ve seen in months, possibly all year.

Breakfast on Pluto

"Well, fuck me pink with a hairy arse!"

A boy is born in conservative 1940s Ireland to a Priest (Liam Neeson) and an unknown woman who flees to London after the birth. Bought up by a strict Catholic foster mother he shows signs of difference at an early age when he is caught in a dress and heels. By the 1970s the teenage Patrick ‘Kitten’ Braden (Cillian Murphy) is a proud and open cross dresser, still living in the small, conservative Irish town. As he gets older he wonders about his mother and discovers that she fled to England. He decides to try to find her and along the way joins a glam rock band, has brushes with the IRA, turns to prostitution and comes close to death on a number of occasions.

The entire film is set against the backdrop of the ‘troubles’ in Ireland during the 1970s. Kitten comes face to face with both sides of the war on a number of occasions and the conflict forms a major stand throughout the story. Another stand is her struggle to fit in with a world that tends to reject her choice of lifestyle and her difficulty with everyone taking life so seriously. The film is cut up into thirty or so chapters. Each is numbered and titled but the plot flows smoothly throughout. This mostly worked well to set up a scene but did become a little tiresome after a while.

The Five Year Engagement

"You ate the old doughnut"

Tom (Jason Segel) is a sous chef at a top end San Francisco restaurant but is forced to move to the mid west when his fiancée Violet (Emily Blunt) gets a post graduate position at the University of Michigan. This occurs shortly after the couple’s engagement and they decide to put their wedding on hold for a couple of years until they return to the West Coast. Their relationship is strained though when Tom fails to fit in or find a satisfying job while Violet’s career takes off and leaves Tom alone to ponder the career he left in San Francisco.

As soon as the film opens you are able to chart its plot pretty much to a tee but the journey to the finale is both funny and intelligent. The film is helped in no small way by two delightful characters played by two very watchable actors, Blunt and Segel. They appear to have great chemistry and Blunt in particular comes out of her shell and puts her comedic chops to great use.

Friends with Kids

Six New York thirty-somethings see their lives change over the course of several years as children come into their lives. Alex and Leslie (Chris O’Dowd and Maya Rudolph) are a married couple with two children, struggling to keep their heads above water. Ben and Missy (Jon Hamm and Kristen Wiig) are a sexually charged couple who find things difficult once a baby arrives while Jason and Julie (Adam Scott and Jennifer Westfeldt) are best friends who know each other inside out. Fearing that they are getting old and seeing how difficult managing a marriage and child can be, they decide to have a child as friends with no emotional attachment. Both are free to carry on with their separate love lives after the child’s birth and agree to joint custody of the baby.

There have been comparisons to last years smash hit Bridesmaids but that is purely down to casting. This is a completely different film. While Wiig, O’Dowd, Rudolph and Hamm all starred in Wiig’s massively successful comedy, Friends with Kids reminded me more of a Woody Allen film, only without the wit or humour.

A Woman

Charlie Chaplin’s ninth Essanay film is perhaps one of his most controversial. A Gentleman (Chaplin) is out walking through a park when he comes across a family (Charles Inslee, Marta Golden & Edna Purviance). The father, Inslee has his attention drawn towards a flirt (Margie Reiger). Reiger blindfolds Inslee after suggesting a game of hide and seek. Chaplin meanwhile discovers the blinded man and leads him towards a lake where he pushes him in. Later Chaplin comes across Golden and Purviance who fall for the cheeky chappy and invite him home. When Inslee arrives home soaking wet to find his attacker in the house Chaplin resorts to disguising himself in an unorthodox manner.

This film is most famous for Chaplin’s cross-dressing, something that must have been quite brave and scandalous 97 years ago. For a twenty-first century audience it isn’t particularly shocking or even funny so you have to imagine a late Edwardian audience’s reaction in order to understand its significance.